Finances in marriage: 5 things to consider before tying the knot

Even true love can't overcome some things. Money conflicts might be one of them. Nearly half of adults with partners say fights over finances are common in their relationships, according to a poll by the American Institute of CPAs.

Many couples can be surprised to discover that, though they're aligned on most of the big relationship questions — where to live, whether to have kids and how to raise them, to cite a few — they're not on the same page when it comes to marriage and finances. They need help deciding things like how much to save, how much to spend and how much to put toward retirement.

When it comes to diffusing just about any kind of conflict, good communication helps. Here are a few steps I've seen successful couples take before they tie the knot.

1. Talk about your perspectives toward money.

Most people develop their financial habits in childhood, taking cues from their parents. When parents voice their anxiety about money — "I'm always broke" or "We don't have money for food" — it can have a long-term, lasting effect on kids.

The voices they hear from their parents help form children's own internal money scripts, which are unconscious beliefs about money developed over time.

Not sure how to get the marriage and money conversation started? Use the following questions to spark a discussion:

• How does money make you feel?
• What's your earliest money memory?
• How do you think that experience influenced your relationship with money?
• How did your family influence how you feel about money today?
• Are you a spender or a saver? Do you like to budget?
• If you could start over financially, what would you do differently? What would you do the same?
• How do you and your spouse differ financially? And what do you agree on?
• Are there financial topics you don't feel comfortable talking about or need help discussing?

Once you and your spouse recognize how previous money experiences shaped your perspectives, you'll be better equipped to find a financial plan that works for your family.

2. Discuss your individual financial situations.

If you're at the point where you're engaged or living together, you're also at the point where money conversations become a necessity. Certainly before you walk down the aisle, walk through your financial picture.

Now that you've had a candid conversation about your past experiences and expectations with money, you'll likely feel more comfortable talking about your individual financial situations. This information is important to divulge because it will have a profound effect on the other person throughout your relationship.

This conversation should include things like:

• How much debt do you have?
• Do you have a credit card (or multiple credit cards)?
• What's your credit score?
• Do you have an emergency fund?

If you're a saver who's worked hard not to take on debt, for example, you'll want to know if your partner has significant student loans. You'll also want the peace of mind that you can discuss it openly and honestly to come up with a plan you're both comfortable with.

3. Discover each other's short- and long-term financial goals.

In my experience, I've found that couples are a lot happier when they talk about money and align their short- and long-term financial goals early in the relationship. That starts with understanding what those goals are.

Start small, like by discussing a shared savings goal, and work your way up to bigger financial goals.

Don't despair if the conversation gets heated: One spouse wants to save money for a vacation in two years, while the other thinks vacations are a waste and would rather put that money into their retirement savings.

If you're willing to compromise, you both can win. Here's an idea for how to set the stage for collaboration: Set up a financial date night to discuss what each of you wants over the next two to five years, or even longer. While you're both in the right head space, work through these 4 steps to prioritize savings goals.

Together, discuss your family budget. After the wedding, your needs and expenses will change. A budget can help you anticipate how much money you expect to have, where you think it will go and how you'll work toward your goals.

Being aware of your own habits can help you create a successful budget as a couple. After you've started the budget discussion — but before you finalize it — it might be helpful for both of you to track your spending for a month or two. That will give you a more realistic picture of how you prioritize your expenses.

As with compromise, baby steps lead to big wins. If one partner is struggling to change their spending habits, it's OK to start small. Agree to put $50 in a savings account each month. Then as savings becomes a habit, agree to put a set amount into retirement each month. You can build these habits together.

4. Discuss how to combine finances after marriage.

For some couples, combining finances is the right move. Both partners can easily access the same information, make payments, track spending and stay on the same financial track. (For more considerations, read my article, Should you open a joint bank account?)

Other couples prefer to maintain separate bank accounts, even after their marriage.

Still others like to mix approaches by keeping some expenses separate and sharing a joint account. For example, maybe the mortgage and utility bills are paid out of the joint account, but each person uses their own money when dining out or buying things like clothes.

What's best for you depends on your needs and goals. Agree to remain flexible. If you try one approach and it isn't working, it's OK to reevaluate and change gears.

5. Know how to handle future financial disagreements.

We're all wired a little differently. Sometimes we don't even understand our own financial actions — much less why our spouse behaves the way they do. It's easy to see how conflict happens.

Answering the questions above as part of a candid conversation can help you better understand how you and your partner approach financial decisions as well as how you can work through future disagreements or differences.

It's a good idea to include positive things in the discussion, like what you appreciate about each other. And if things start to get heated, or you and your spouse start to experience emotional flooding — when you're overwhelmed with anxiety, anger and panic — pause the discussion and take a break. Come back to it when everyone feels calmer.

My hope is that these five tips can help you and your spouse work together to achieve your family financial goals with as little conflict as possible.

The USAA Advice Center provides general advice, tools and resources to guide your journey. Content may mention products, features or services that USAA Federal Savings Bank does not offer. The information contained is provided for informational purposes only and is not intended to represent any endorsement, expressed or implied, by USAA or any affiliates. All information provided is subject to change without notice.